Florida Sunshine

The room was stale and empty of furniture,but there was a sliding doorout to a palm-tree filled courtyardand big windows so the Florida sunshinefilled the room.

I spread my fingers apartand caressed the carpet beneath me.

Johari was talking on the cell phoneinto my ear. He was saying things like,you need to get out of there,are you there, what’s going on,please, Jasmin, you need to forgive yourself.

But I wasn’t really listeningso much as using his voice as ambiance.

I was twenty-two years old.I had dropped out of university.I had been just over a year’s worth marriedto my imagined soulmate.

My imagined soulmate and daughterwere living in a housethat was purchased with moneyfrom my own workand I wasn’t there with them.

“Jasmin, get up off the floor,”Michael said as he came outof the bedroom of the apartment,“we have to get going.”

I don’t even know if I had clothes on.I don’t even rememberif this was after Michael and my big fight.

I just see him.Tall and muscular.Tan and broad-shouldered.He had a horizontal mouth.It had no verticality.Just a straight cut mouthwith two broad lips above and below.

I loved to pull those lipsinto my own mouthand make them smile or frown.

“Okay, I’m coming.”

Usually we went to some kind of building site.He was a carpenter. Like Jesus.I thought it was hot.I’d never had a strapping muscular boyfriend before.

I’d wanted one.

The iron in my hand later,the cops at the door,the way they saw me as the threat—all of it waitingin that Florida sunshine,in that horizontal mouthI thought I could reshapewith my own wanting.